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Archive for the 'Humor' Category

The Dao of Espresso

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

monk_coffee

I’m at Starbucks just across the street from my house right now (trying to avoid the distractions of sitting at home doing work) and I can’t help but jot down a few words (and waste some more time). At the table next to me are a pair of Buddhist monks done up in traditional drab orange tunics sipping lattes. I’m intrigued. I want so badly to take a photo. What contrast! What irony! What a perfect advertisement for Starbucks (as though they need any more brand recognition). I’m puzzled because these are Chinese champions of moral religious ideals prescribing to a “middle way” that abstains from all hedonist consumption and generally live very simple lives. And here they are consuming possibly one of the most expensive beverages in China (in yuan/drop) at a decidedly non-Chinese institution, a symbol of all that is conspicuous over-the-top consumption in western culture.

And then I realize there is more to this scene than immediately obvious.

There’s a young monk paired with an older monk. All of a sudden, a fellow Starbucks patron (Chinese) approaches and asks a question I cannot hear. He then goes to move back to his seat and the younger monk motions for him to sit down. They have an unintelligible conversation. The Chinese man puts his hands together, mumbles, and bows countless times to the monk’s words. The monk pulls out his “wallet” (I didn’t know they had those) and hands the man a little gold card. I’ve seen them before and believe it to be a small inscribed tablet with some holy words on it. Or it could be a VIP card for the Bank of Monks. The man bows profusely again and then leaves.

Several minutes later, one of the employees approaches the monks. She indicates that they must leave. They argue quietly with her. The younger monk insists that she sit down and chat. She ignores them and scurries to a back room. The younger monk jumps up and pursues her going through the employee-only door. He returns empty-handed. Both monks get up and leave.

I’m bummed I never got a picture!

Then I start to think about what may have happened. In the big cities like Guangzhou, you rarely see the monks outside of their temple domain. Very rarely do you see them roaming the downtown streets. And never have I spotted one in Starbucks. The Chinese have utmost respect for these men who devote their lives to a not-so-easy Buddhist way of life. If they do see them, Chinese are quick to give them some spare change. This case must have been no different. Except the change was converted to a 40 yuan latte. One of the employees must have “given” these monks a coffee. After all, what would you do if Buddha’s own pious disciples walked into your store looking for a little get-up-and-go?!

These monks were at Starbucks in the name of prophesizing Buddha’s teachings to the unsuspecting affluence that gathers in such places. Such was the story with the man and the card. The manager soon caught on and chased the religious men out. Gotta hand it to them for their ingenuity! Not to mention the free cup o’ joe! Maybe tonight I’ll see them at the city’s local watering hole throwing back a Guinness?

Then I remember I may have seen these monks before. I saw some in the supermarket. AMD says she’s seen them taking the elevator in our apartment building! I wonder what’s really going on here?!

Camping in China

Sunday, October 7th, 2007

Tips for Chinese camping, hiking, and outdoor adventure

China_city_camping

Just back from an action-packed high-adventure trip in China’s SW Yunnan province. The geographically isolated province is known for its varied minority cultures and stunning mountain scenery. We went there with the intention of experiencing both. The entire country has the first week of October off every year. The holiday doesn’t really have any historical significance other than being a semiannual opportunity for 1.3 billion people to simultaneously take to the road, rail, and skies. Against others’ cautioning, we hit the tourist route for Yunnan. I figured, with enough miles under boot, we could escape the burgeoning crowd that would advance on Dali and Lijiang city – the quaint old towns that are often the destination of many vacationing Chinese tourists.

We stocked up on Chinese camping gear prior to our departure intending to save a few yuan on hotels and spend a few days in the “wilderness”. Unfortunately in China, you’re never too far from civilization. Regardless, we managed a rather unforgettable trip – see photos here (sorry if you’re trying to access these photos from China – Flickr is STILL blocked but you can download a plugin for Firefox that gets around that). Based on the stories below, we offer up several tips for those that are considering similar backpacking, hiking, or otherwise outdoor adventure trips in China.

Graveyard Shift

We spent our first two days in Yunnan in the Bai minority town of Dali – a pleasant old walled city on the banks of one of China’s largest lakes, Erhai (so named because it supposedly resembles an “ear”). We visited Chongsheng temple, took a trip out to the Bai village of Xizhou, and then found ourselves with an extra day on our hands. We had planned to only spend one day in Dali but the mass migration of tourists to the city caused a sudden shortage in transportation to Lijiang. Faced with the opportunity for a little more exploring, we bought a pair of chairlift tickets up the nearby Cangshan mountain range.

We packed some warm clothes knowing the mountain would be a bit chillier than the Erhai valley below. It was about 3:00pm. We figured we may as well spend a few hours hiking around on the mountain’s well-marked trails till the chairlift closed at 6:30. To our surprise, when we arrived at the top, the lift operators informed us that the lift would close that day at 5:30. We had a little over two hours to cover whatever we could along the 8 km trail that ran between the lift and another cable car on the other side of the mountain. We set off for the 9 Dragon Lady Pools – i.e. a waterfall.

Along the way, we gave up the idea of ever making it back to take the chairlift. We figured we might make it in time for the cablecar. Our guidebook also mentioned the option to take horses or even hike any of many trails that scale the mountain. Once we’d seen the falls, it was 6:30. We had seen another couple coming down just as we were climbing up to the highest of the 9 pools. They were probably 20 minutes or so ahead of us. Upon returning to the main trail, we stopped to chat with a local woman who makes a living selling food and drinks to starving and thirsty hikers. She explained to us that both mechanized means of returning down the mountain were now closed. She recommended that we hike back a couple km and take the horse trail back down. The couple before us, fortunately, had hired horses that were waiting for them at this junction. We set out for the trail. The lady informed us that it would start getting dark at about 7:30. We knew we had to hurry.

Any seasoned hiker would be getting nervous at this point. The horse trail was exactly that. A steep, rocky, slippery, meandering mud crevice meant for creatures with four legs and thick hooves. We clambered down in the twilight. Temperatures dropped and we donned our fleece jackets. Then the trail split into two trails. Squinting through the dark forest, we picked what appeared to be the more worn trail. Then it split again… and again… and again till it was too dark to tell nor care which one was the actual trail. The horse trail at one point merged with a stream and we found ourselves slipping and sliding down a muddy slope hanging on to the high grass as we continuously wiped each other out.

Soon it was completely dark and we’d been tripping and sliding down the mountain for almost two hours. As we struggled to find anything that resembled a trail till we managed to lose any trace of a path altogether. We flailed our arms grabbing anything to keep our slick running shoes from slipping. We grasped trees, thorn bushes, each other, and then… I grabbed a wall! There in the middle of this dark, thick forest was a wall – made of stone at about waist height. All around it was cubic in form and curved on top. I peered closer straining to see through the starlight. It was a gravestone. I looked around. We were sliding down this mountain through a sprawling hillside graveyard.

Mountains. Lost. Dark. Cold. Foreign land. In a graveyard. We tried not to think about it. We spotted some lights off in the distance and decided to plunge through the thick, tall foliage in their direction. All of a sudden, my foot fell through the grass into water up to my calf. We turned around. I sat down and slowly inched my legs down the mountain in front of me making sure there was solid ground ahead.

Somehow, slowly and cautiously, we managed to make our way to a massive 10-foot wall that surrounded a crop field. We waded through the low crop till the ground fell out from under us where there was an enormous crater and beyond it, a lake blocking our way. We doubled back. We headed back up the mountain, circling the crop and making our way to what appeared to be the lights of the farmer’s house. Surely, there had to be a road leading there. As we approached the lights, we realized it was a high barb-wired fenced government compound. We low-crawled past an illuminated window trying our best to blend into the surrounding farm.

We made our way around the high-mountain Chinese military base to the main entrance and slowly started to creep down the road away from the gate. Then, a ferocious guard dog threw himself at the gate snarling, spitting, barking and scaring the living duzi out of us. We scurried down the road as fast as we could hoping no one would come to the gate. The dog continued to bark. He barked so persistently loud that he alerted an entire pack of stray and wild dogs down the trail. They rose and approached the road making a raucous racket. We kept our eyes straight ahead and moved as fast as we could away from their growls.

The road eventually lead past another gate guard (who we snuck past as he was asleep at his post) and then in the back of Dali University! We approached two young female students (who I am sure would have run away at seeing my haggled self if it hadn’t been for AMD) and asked them how to get to the main gate. 10 minutes later and we had the university guardman call us a cab that took us back to Dali.

We laughed about it over a satisfying meal and many tall beers back on Yangren Jie in the center of town. As we sat there recalling our terrifying experience, it started pouring rain and continued raining for the rest of the night.

TIP #1 – When hiking in the afternoon, bring a flashlight (I ended up using the luminescence of my cell phone touch screen).

TIP #2 – Despite what guidebooks say, check in the local town for the latest transportation/closing times.

Guesthouse Galore

Following our experience in Dali, we figured we were all warmed up for the highlight of the trip – a 28 km hike through the deepest gorge in the world – Tiger-Leaping Gorge just north of Lijiang city. (more…)

You know you’ve lived in China when…

Thursday, September 20th, 2007

one_guy_on_a_bike

Ok, so this has been circulating around the internet for many years. If you’ve never seen it and you’ve been to China, then enjoy. Or just read it again for nostalgia. It makes me smile every time. Can you think of more???

1. You’re at an expensive western restaurant and don’t even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone
2. You enjoy karaoke
3. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio
4. The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism
5. You smoke in crowded elevators.
6. All white people look the same to you
7. You like the smell of the bus.
8. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly
9. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose
10. You find western toilets uncomfortable (more…)

The Latest Chinese Fashion

Friday, June 29th, 2007

chinese_fashion

A remarkable thing happened today that warrants just a quick post. Quick background - my sister is getting married on July 14 to a swell dude back ye ole Ohio, USA. My wife is one of her bridesmaids. Rather than take a $1500 trip to the US to try on her bridesmaid dress (all the ‘maids are donning the same dress), my sister opted to just send us the dress and we could get it altered in China for $25. Good deal.

So my wife did just that. She took the dress down to her favorite Guangzhou dressmaker, let them take measurements, and left to be back to pick up the dress in a week. She picked up the dress just a couple days ago. As expected, fine job, fair price, ready for the wedding.

My wife was back yesterday in the same tailor district on some other business. She passed by the store and glanced in the window. There, proudly displayed on the store window mannequin, was an exact copy of my sister’s bridesmaid dress! The store had apparently assumed my wife’s order to be the latest in overseas fashion. In standard Chinese style - they just did up a quick imitation. Just think, my sister may singlehandedly be responsible for introducing a new western fashion to the Chinese market! Look for it soon on the Shanghai fashion runway! Should only be a couple weeks till the new import design hits US shores as the latest Walmart special. :)

医院

Monday, June 25th, 2007

surgery

从我的朋友在adsotrans。在这个网站可以看中文新闻。一边读一边用手表看英文的翻译。
这个很有意思。看病的时候不要听到:

    1、哇,搞半天他是个男人!
  
    2、我嘴里的烟头那里去了?
  
    3、拿斧子来!
  
    4、听说最近肾脏很值钱!
  
    5、这跳动的是心脏还是肺!
  
    6、着根肠子原本的位置在哪!
  
    7、大家休息一下,再接着来做手术。
  
    8、这个病人是什么血型来着。
  
    9、怎么会停电了!

Things floating in the Pearl River

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

If you ever get the chance to train for the dragon boat competitions in China, it’s great fun to get out on the river. The air flows freely, the water refreshingly splashing in your face, and dramatic weather swirls overhead - fantastic sunsets, ferocious storms, and beaming sunlight. It’s really a great workout and a nice way to see a different perspective of China. Nothing quite like training for the traditional southern China duanwu festival.

In our dozen or so morning and afternoon practices we’ve had the opportunity to observe some of the “natural wildlife” on the river. Besides our 20-some-odd undulating paddling bodies, there is plenty else afloat in the Guangzhou Pearl River. The Zhujiang is technically one of a network delta where estuary waters churned by a daily tide mix fresh and salt water for a most fascinating concoction. Here’s a running list of some of the more interesting things we’ve spotted from our oversized canoe.

1. Leeches (small ones in the bottom of the boat by our feet)

2. Raw sewage (a noticeable dark cloud of stink)

3. Condom (used)

4. Dead rat (large and bloated)

5. Dead turtle

6. Dead chicken

7. Dead pig (in a sack)pig

8. Dead dog (missing front legs and head)dog + dead chihuahuadead_dog2

9. Dead fish (of course)

10. Woman bathing (old and naked)

11. People swimming (yes, many of them - we regularly steer to avoid them - oh and they’re still alive)

Some things to do in Fujian

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

kejia_house

We’re starting a series on great weekend trips from Guangzhou. You live in the city for a while and you soon see everything there is to do in Guangzhou proper. You need a little escape. We’ve seen some things and traveled some places close to Guangzhou that typically get left out of the guidebooks. Here is a recent extended weekend trip we recently took up to Fujian province. Easily a half-day train or 5-hour bus ride away. Here are some tips. If you really are interested in copying parts of this trip, let us know.

Getting there from Guangzhou: 5-hour bus to Meizhou, private car (Mr. 李 138-2380-5526 - 200 元) to Yongding 永定, stay in Yongding, bus to surrounding 土楼 Hakka-style earth buildings (客家).

Five hour bus to Xiamen. Stay on the island or see the post about cheap sleeps in China.

Romantic private cottages overlooking water with views of Taiwan on gulangyu island - Haoyue Park

Out-of-the-way laid-back bar on Gulangyu island not to miss - Slowly Cafe 592-2064821

Be sure not to miss a small gallery where you can check out creative art made from fish bones. Buy a framed one for less than 100 RMB.

Information on youth hostels in China
www.hostelbees.com - China Hostel Directory
www.yhachina.com - Youth Hostel Association of China
www.yhaxm.com - Xiamen youth hostel

Be sure not to miss the crowded beach on the island off the coast of Xiamen - indeed a sight to be seen during the May holiday. The number of sheer people on the shore makes you forget there’s sand. All sorts of activities for sale - paddle boats, kayaks, jet skis and of course these huge human hamster balls!


glumbert.com - Chinese child ball

gulangyu_beach

Travel Dancing

Monday, May 7th, 2007

Instead of everyday touristy photos why not shake a leg? Just do a little dance and your travels could make you famous!


This video (and post) is dedicated to my little bro who turns “blackjack” today. He claims drinking is such a regular part of his lifestyle these days that this b-day has no particular significance. Even so, I’m sure he’s still celebrating right now. This isn’t just dedicated to him because I just happened to find it on the internet on May 7, but because I know he could make a video even more popular and even more entertaining than this already internet-famous clip. You see, he’s headed to Columbia film school next semester and already well on the way to being the next Tarantino. Check out some of his amazing photos at his facebook profile. I know he also has a whole library of travel videos from a Chinese bush-whacking trip we took last summer. It should only be a short time till we’re posting his masterpieces on this silly blog.

It’s all Chinese to me!

Sunday, May 6th, 2007

einstein_in_chinese

Make your own here: http://www.sbfun.org/einstein/

Why is Chinese so difficult?

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

Is it the characters, the tones, the vocabulary, the grammar?  Anyone who has studied Chinese longer than a week will find this essay very interesting and likely very funny.  For those curious about what makes Chinese so challenging to learn, read this for a glimpse.